Marriage ceremony

 Bangladesh has a tradition of celebrating marriage ceremonies, as do many other countries. There are some common steps that everyone follows, some inherited from family or community, to ensure everyone can enjoy the celebration. They spend days celebrating at various locations and months preparing, depending on their budget or capabilities.

We received many invitations to join marriage ceremonies. In most cases, my mom didn't want to go because we didn't have a car at that time. Most ceremonies end late at night, making it very difficult to find a ride back home. Uber wasn't available then.

Even if we attend the ceremony, my parents just eat food and then go back home. I haven't had the chance to see any of the activities at the ceremony. I have asked them many times, but they never listen to me.

I regretted it to my friends and said I really wanted to see all the activities of a marriage ceremony. They laughed at me. They said, " You will see when your ceremony occurs." Allah knows that was a disaster.

My friend Shumi helped me fulfill this wish. She invited me to her house to stay for three days and participate in all the ceremonial activities. Well, it wasn't really an option. She ordered me to do so. I stayed with her family for three days and watched all the programs. Shumi and her family took very good care of me—more than the bride herself. They constantly checked whether I had eaten or was facing any problems. Even though Shumi was sitting as the bride, she asked her mother to check whether I had eaten anything. It was a wonderful memory for me.

During my marriage ceremony, no one looked after me like that. Everyone at my ceremony was busy eating. No one fed me. By the end, there was a shortage of seating, and people faced trouble because of the limited availability. My sister's in-laws were also invited to the ceremony. They managed to set up a new table in my room (the bride's room) and sat there to eat. Boro apa (my brother-in-law's older sister) suddenly noticed I was sitting alone. She asked, "Did you eat anything?" I said no. So, she fed me 2 or 3 bites of rice from her hand. In the meantime, the groom's family arrived at the ceremony, so she stopped. Then, they started causing trouble because of the food shortage. The restaurant was very slow, and they caused such delays in arranging the food that everyone became very angry.

A person from the groom's family came to me and asked, "Did you eat food?" I replied, "Yes" (I had taken 2 or 3 bites). She said, "What kind of bride are you? How could you eat before the groom's lunch?" Then she went to the groom's family and kept saying, "What kind of bride is this?" Just to let you know, generally, the bride's family feeds the bride earlier because she may feel shy to eat anything with the groom.

My youngest sister came to me and said that the groom and his friends are also causing a scene. They didn't like the food that was served, so they are demanding something else. I saw from the window how the groom and his friends got up from their tables and walked to another table to eat more, showing their anger.

At the end of the day, my mom came and said they were going to eat now and asked if I wanted to eat. I have seen enough to feel eat anything, so I said no.

Anyway, as I already declared, I have eaten. No one offered me food after arriving at the groom's family's house. I think I enjoyed enough food at my marriage ceremony. I don't even know what the food will look like at my wedding.

Biye Bareer khabar (Food from the marriage ceremony)

 In Bangladesh, the food arrangements for the marriage ceremony are considered the best. People say that the food is comparable to what is served at a marriage, which helps you understand how good it is. As they say, the chicken roast from the biye barir (the home where the marriage is taking place) is especially delightful.

Sometimes I hear Bangladeshi people say, 'It's been a long time since I attended or ate at a wedding.' They miss the food. I also miss that food too.

Sometimes people get upset because they are not invited to a wedding. In most cases, they are not upset about missing the ceremony but about the food.

I heard people comparing or judging the food arrangement at a marriage ceremony. They said that the food wasn't cooked enough, didn't taste good, or that somewhere else was great, etc. They judge the bride's parents for not arranging a good marriage ceremony or food arrangement.

In my childhood, I enjoyed the marriage ceremony programs and food as well. They looked very delightful. After growing up, I realized how difficult and costly it is for a bride's parent to arrange everything. It requires time, money, energy, and people's judgments, especially from the groom's family. On the other hand, no matter how poorly the groom's family arranges the program, the bride's family can never speak badly, or they will make the bride's life difficult.

I think we should all be thankful to the bride's family regardless of how they arrange the ceremony. We should appreciate their effort and accept all mistakes and poor decisions. It's not only for the bride's family; anyone who arranges food for you, don't judge them, and try to enjoy the food and moments with them.

Marriage between cousins

 Marriage between cousins is permitted in Islam, but it's not compulsory. 

My mother came from a medical background. Even before she finished her education, she didn't like the idea of marrying cousins. Although we were young when she shared her thoughts, they also influenced our perspective. 

We see cousins as if they are our own brothers and sisters. We are never hesitant to talk to them or to stay in contact. On their part, they felt the same way. 

If any relative ever mentions this type of marriage to my mom, she immediately dismisses the idea, which never even comes up for us to consider. 

I understand that in some families or countries, this has become a required practice. They believe their girls should stay within the family. It is a terrible custom; in the name of religion, we shouldn't support such marriages. If anyone falls in love with someone, then that is a different situation.

Marriage in low-income people

[Totally from my life experience] 

In Bangladesh for low-income people, girls get married at an early age. It is for 13 to 18 years old girls. It is not like the guardians always forced them, they wanted it too with some exceptions in both villages and cities.

I have asked one village person why they do that and why they don't make their girls study more. They replied, there are some reasons, like if the girl study more then they have to find a man who had got degree more than that girl has. Men don't want to marry a woman who has more degrees than him. And in the village, it is difficult to find a very well-educated man. And when any male became more educated, they demand more money from the girl's parents to get married. Taking money from the girl's parents is becoming a tradition in Bangladesh. Without asking, the boy's parents expect many things like full house furniture from the girl's parents.

Another reason is when a girl grows up she started to get disturbed by men on her way to school or anywhere else. Many men in Bangladesh have a mindset that, if a girl is outside then they can disturb her the way they want and get pleasure from that. To save a girl from this situation, parents get them married as soon as possible.

In the city, I asked a parent, why she is getting her daughter married at an early age. They said, she started falling in love with men. The parent doesn't know when she will become pregnant before marrying, so they want her to get married as soon as possible.

Biography 145: Decision on marriage

[From my own observation and thinking]

When a girl started thinking about marriage, from the school level, I had some different thoughts. 

I have observed many married couples. And all of them looked very happy at first sight. But if you watch them deeply or spend some time with them a little longer, you will see the black side of their relationship. And that made me think if no woman is happy with marriage then why should I go for it?

I always tried to stay away from cooking. I have seen how difficult it was for women. Traditionally in Bangladesh kitchen was built in a small room. No good air flowing in that room, because they needed to keep the fire on properly, and no comfortable furniture in there, because women will use it, our society didn't think about their comforts. No fan, No AC (not even they think about it). It's a very hot place and if you know how Bangladeshi foods are made, they took a very long time for both preparation and cook. A woman has to spend most of her daily time in the kitchen. And that was the second poor room in the house. First is the washroom.

[Both the kitchen and washroom system is changing in the Bangladeshi lifestyle. Because of media, people take kitchen beautification seriously and wealthy families make their kitchen very well technology. Some men started cooking too. But mostly still needed to fix. Thought about women's position in life, are almost the same.] 

I have seen men use to say, women should be in the kitchen. Like that is one of the worse places in the house, and a woman should stay there. My mind didn't accept it. I started avoiding learning cooking. If I don't know it well, no one will want me to stay over there. That's the logic. My mom and other female family members say, no matter how much you study, no matter how big an officer you become, you have to go to the kitchen (Like a punishment room). From deep inside I said no. Then I better not get married, I am not marriage material. Let's keep boys out of my life.

In school I have seen girls becoming interested in boys, they are looking for the perfect one. I didn't know any interest in their issues. Then in college, many girls had boyfriends, and they use to run away from college, sometimes from home for their met. I have no problem with that. Your life, enjoy the way you want to. I am not getting married, I don't want to play with any boy's mind or body. I better not concentrate on these, and I didn't.

My university life was very cheerful and funny without boys. That doesn't mean I didn't encourage my friends to have a boyfriend. I gave all my support to their loved on. 

Sometimes people used my name to make their path clear, like if they said, Shahana is going over there too, all parents use to give permission to go to that place. I have a lot of trust in my life, and Allah knows, I never break those.

I told my friends, don't let your parent ask me anything because then I will tell them the truth.

The way it sounds, my no boys in life isn't that easy. As I always avoided boys, I didn't learn how to make myself look better, I mean to put on makeup, and dress up, I never bother about that. Just did whatever made me comfortable and feel better.

I didn't learn how to make a man happy, even didn't know how to do sex. Because I never discuss it with anyone, never curious enough to check online (the Internet wasn't available at my young age)

My family, relatives and friends put me under lots of pressure to get married. Staying single is not a very common thing in our society.

To save myself, I had to put lots of excuses. Like before completion of my study and getting into a job I can't marry, This man is from that district, and will not be a good match for a girl from Dhaka, doesn't have hair, is too wealthy, has bad earnings, not enough tall, put a ring on my finger which looked like an engagement ring, change paths to go somewhere so that who were waiting on the road don't get to see me and many more.

If any of my friends brought any relation, I had to threaten them to stop this, or I have to break up my friendship.

But emotional pressure became very difficult for me to tolerate. Deep inside I am a human too. I gave my younger sister marriage before me. All relatives and known people made a very bad impression about it on my mom, like how could she do it with me and she passes those to me.

And some boys put good logic and emotional pressure on me that make me think maybe I could come up with something in the middle. Life will give me trouble whether I get married or not. So, to make my family happy, why don't I get married to someone, for something good? Like who needed to marry for something too. It could be financial, religious (When someone converted and don't get any girl) or any other help. Either way, no man will put effort to make me happy. So, let's help someone and tolerate a miserable marriage life for the family and society. I least from my marriage something good will be achieved.

And I wanted to be a mother too. That is the best gift I got from my marriage.

Though deep inside my heart, there is a word "UNLESS". That's why sometimes I believed in some men that they might love me. But with time they proved, no, they actually don't or never did.

We attended Tareq’s marriage reception party at 2007

Mr. and Mrs Tareq

Me, Anika, Samiha, Deborah and Farhana