Biography 148: Period

 Menstruation (Or period) is something that people in Bangladesh think is something to be ashamed of, it's a girl's secret. Nobody talks about it openly. Many men get to know about the period after marriage or from their girlfriend.

People don't buy products for periods openly.

My son, when he was a very young boy, saw pads at home. He found it very similar to his diaper, but he asked what are these.

My theory is, if anyone can ask any question, they are ready to listen the answer.

I told my son that you know, all woman's body has a womb, where a baby grows up. Every month our body cleans it with blood and it prepares for the baby. After washing the area, the blood comes out. So, we need to wear the pad, on those days.

He was satisfied with my answer and didn't ask me, which way it comes out. So, I avoided that part.

From then I bought things for the period in front of him (Sometimes) and he never felt uncomfortable or never tried to avoid that section while shopping.

If we take natural things, naturally why it will be so shameful for us?

My heart

 We all should follow our hearts. But most of the time, my heart doesn't pick up the right path. If I listen to my heart, it will take me deep down the shit.

So, I try to follow, what I suppose to do. And most of the time I found the right path. But this work makes me tired of everything. So, for a change, sometimes I give a little freedom to my heart. Like a piece of dessert after a meal.

Biography 147: A teacher's tips

In College, our HomeEconomic teacher was a very smart lady. I won't say she looks very beautiful, but she always used to wear nice sharees with matching ornaments, with nice light make-up.

It's not only because of her teaching subject but she also uses to teach us many tips for life. I am guessing that's her natural style of sharing information.

One day she told us, that she doesn't have a dressing table at her home. We surprised. Then she said, now you guys are thinking how our teacher looks so gorgeous every day. Well, I have a closet (Almirah made of steel) with a mirror on it. That's enough to get dressed. Why would I buy a dressing table then? At home, if you don't need anything, don't buy it. That will give you more space in your house.

It's true, now I follow that. People buy new big dining tables. I bought a small one. Because I don't need a big one.

One day we arranged a class party in college. Our teacher was in charge to manage everything. When people (Other teachers) started coming to our party, I saw her stand at the door and she was welcoming everyone with a big smile. It was a fake one. But I felt it was giving a very good impression to the guests. If anyone welcomes me into their house with a big smile, I will feel a warm welcome. Now a day, I try to give this to my guests.

She said, she always prepares her dress and ornaments before sleep. So, in the morning she never needed to run here and there for everything. It saves her time and energy.

I totally agree with her. I want to do the same.

She was very proud of her brother, I overhear her talking with other teachers. She was saying she went with her brother to see girls to married to her brother (This is a tradition, to find a bride, boy and his relative go to the girl's house, enjoy their hospitality, see and check the girl, then decide whether they will marry the girl or not). She said the girl was ok, nicely dressed up, but she was wearing regular sandals on her feet, so her brother dismiss the girl to be a bride. He needed a smart one.

I was thinking, well, it is obvious, that a girl will wear sandals at home. You didn't meet her in a restaurant. But anyway, I don't know anything about fashion, better not comment.

She also told, that her mother is very straightforward. One day she went to a girl's house but the girl wasn't tall enough. Her mother told to the girl's relative, your girl is too short for my son. She is his leg's size. Our teacher was laughing.

I believe, no matter what, you can't take anyone's hospitality and then say this kind of word to their daughter. How will you feel, if anyone did the same to your son?

Anyway, our teacher seems very happy and enjoying by giving trips to the girl's houses. I was thinking, This is not right. No matter how our Bangladeshi society accepts it. Allah saved me, that I had decided not to get married.

Marriage in the middle-income families

 I will talk about women only on basis of my experiences in Bangladesh.

In the middle-incomed people, there are many varieties. Like some live near to poor, some in between and some are near to rich and then they act differently too.

In Bangladesh and in other south Asian countries, the Grooms family doesn't say directly but always expects furniture and other gifts (Gold ornaments mainly) from the bride (There are a few exceptions also) or her family.

So, when a baby girl gets born, the girl's parent started saving money that will be needed when she will grow up and get married. Sometimes parents need time to save a big amount of money so they had to wait to get their daughter married. Or find it difficult to find a groom who will say yes, with a comparatively small amount of money. Especially if the girl's skin colour is not fair enough.

Some parents wanted to get their girls married before they pass master's degrees. Because of two reasons. One it will be difficult to find a groom with the same or more educated. And generally, in South Asia, men don't want to get married who are more educated than them. Probably they believe it will show them less masculine and more educated girls will be difficult to manage (Make them listen always). No one likes a woman who raises their voice. In this situation, parents will find it difficult to get a groom for their girls.

The other reason is people then think, the girl becomes aged. All over the world, there is a fascination with girls' ages. If somehow it goes near 30, the girl is marked as an aged woman and not good for the marriage market. In Bangladesh, if she gets a master's degree, some groom and their families will take it as a benchmark of becoming too aged to be selected as a bride. So, the girl's parents hurry to give their girls marry.

Another middle-class trend is to make their girl educated till they got a master's degree and then let them take a job. Then they will get married. Because if they don't get a job and get married. Then after getting married or after having a child, it will be difficult for them to get a job. In Bangladesh, age is a big factor to get a job. When a woman gets involved with household work, it is difficult for them to go out and do the job. Because their in-laws (Most grooms in Bangladesh live with their parents and then get a wife, and then make her or expected her to take care of the husband's parent, people believe it is the girl's job to take care of the groom's parents. Not her own parents or neither groom help to take care of his own parent) and husband are used to taking their service in the home, now they don't want to sacrifice their facilities or if they don't need money from the bride. So, for the bride, there won't be any income source and always have to live with the mercy of her groom and his family to get some money. And there won't be any aim in life except household work.

Some get jobs before marriage because they know, it is difficult for a grom to manage a family with their own income, so they look for a bride who earns. So, a job could be an asset for some girls to get married.

Some Muslim families don't let their girls wear hijab. Because they think, maybe the groom's family won't like it and then will face difficulty to marry their girl. So, they wait, after marrying if their husband or his family allows, then they will wear a hijab or head scarf.

Some parents give their daughters married earlier because of their safety. If the girl is beautiful, the surrounding men will make their life difficult. In that case, parents have no choice.

Some families give their older daughters marry early. Because otherwise if all girls became adults then people will mark it as a negative point that for some reason, no girls could get marry, all are becoming aged women (Not suitable for a bride). After the older daughter, they can wait and make other girls well educated before marrying.

Biography 146: Marriage in grade 12

 I have passed grade 12 from Viqarunnisa noon college, Bangladesh. It's called the HSC (Higher Secondary Certificate) exam in Bangladesh.

In Bangladesh, Viqarunnisa College is one of the most renowned colleges for girls. Many wealthy families students come here to study and most of the talented girls come from all over Bangladesh. I am from a middle-class family. I did not get a chance to mix with any wealthy families. If any of our known families became rich, they stopped mixing with us. So, I do not have any idea about their lifestyle.

In college, I had the most lonely time of my entire life. People didn't like me, and neither did I like them. They use to humiliate me, I didn't bother, what they say or do.

But I was really surprised to see them get married before the final exam. It's not one or two people, most of them. Mainly to the military guys. Then to doctors and engineers. I was thinking, didn't any of them ever think to make any career or work on their father's business?

I have seen when they come to give the exam, the girl I have seen most dangerous, always jumping and laughing became very polite. Smiling with a shy attitude. I am amazed. Maybe it was good for them. I wish them to get married earlier to make my life easier.

I have discussed this with the older sister, what's the matter, they are not from low-income families, why do their parents need to get them married so early?

My sister replied they are too fast forward to control. The way they behave with parents and boyfriends, their parents know, they can't control these girls much. Before they do any big mistakes, they better get married.

I recalled my memories, yes, in college I heard many times that girls don't attend the classes. Run away from classes to meet with boyfriends and enjoy time with them. It is too early for a girl to understand that they be used by their male partner. So, obviously, parents and teachers were worried about them.

Marriage in low-income people

[Totally from my life experience] 

In Bangladesh for low-income people, girls get married at an early age. It is for 13 to 18 years old girls. It is not like the guardians always forced them, they wanted it too with some exceptions in both villages and cities.

I have asked one village person why they do that and why they don't make their girls study more. They replied, there are some reasons, like if the girl study more then they have to find a man who had got degree more than that girl has. Men don't want to marry a woman who has more degrees than him. And in the village, it is difficult to find a very well-educated man. And when any male became more educated, they demand more money from the girl's parents to get married. Taking money from the girl's parents is becoming a tradition in Bangladesh. Without asking, the boy's parents expect many things like full house furniture from the girl's parents.

Another reason is when a girl grows up she started to get disturbed by men on her way to school or anywhere else. Many men in Bangladesh have a mindset that, if a girl is outside then they can disturb her the way they want and get pleasure from that. To save a girl from this situation, parents get them married as soon as possible.

In the city, I asked a parent, why she is getting her daughter married at an early age. They said, she started falling in love with men. The parent doesn't know when she will become pregnant before marrying, so they want her to get married as soon as possible.

Biography 145: Decision on marriage

[From my own observation and thinking]

When a girl started thinking about marriage, from the school level, I had some different thoughts. 

I have observed many married couples. And all of them looked very happy at first sight. But if you watch them deeply or spend some time with them a little longer, you will see the black side of their relationship. And that made me think if no woman is happy with marriage then why should I go for it?

I always tried to stay away from cooking. I have seen how difficult it was for women. Traditionally in Bangladesh kitchen was built in a small room. No good air flowing in that room, because they needed to keep the fire on properly, and no comfortable furniture in there, because women will use it, our society didn't think about their comforts. No fan, No AC (not even they think about it). It's a very hot place and if you know how Bangladeshi foods are made, they took a very long time for both preparation and cook. A woman has to spend most of her daily time in the kitchen. And that was the second poor room in the house. First is the washroom.

[Both the kitchen and washroom system is changing in the Bangladeshi lifestyle. Because of media, people take kitchen beautification seriously and wealthy families make their kitchen very well technology. Some men started cooking too. But mostly still needed to fix. Thought about women's position in life, are almost the same.] 

I have seen men use to say, women should be in the kitchen. Like that is one of the worse places in the house, and a woman should stay there. My mind didn't accept it. I started avoiding learning cooking. If I don't know it well, no one will want me to stay over there. That's the logic. My mom and other female family members say, no matter how much you study, no matter how big an officer you become, you have to go to the kitchen (Like a punishment room). From deep inside I said no. Then I better not get married, I am not marriage material. Let's keep boys out of my life.

In school I have seen girls becoming interested in boys, they are looking for the perfect one. I didn't know any interest in their issues. Then in college, many girls had boyfriends, and they use to run away from college, sometimes from home for their met. I have no problem with that. Your life, enjoy the way you want to. I am not getting married, I don't want to play with any boy's mind or body. I better not concentrate on these, and I didn't.

My university life was very cheerful and funny without boys. That doesn't mean I didn't encourage my friends to have a boyfriend. I gave all my support to their loved on. 

Sometimes people used my name to make their path clear, like if they said, Shahana is going over there too, all parents use to give permission to go to that place. I have a lot of trust in my life, and Allah knows, I never break those.

I told my friends, don't let your parent ask me anything because then I will tell them the truth.

The way it sounds, my no boys in life isn't that easy. As I always avoided boys, I didn't learn how to make myself look better, I mean to put on makeup, and dress up, I never bother about that. Just did whatever made me comfortable and feel better.

I didn't learn how to make a man happy, even didn't know how to do sex. Because I never discuss it with anyone, never curious enough to check online (the Internet wasn't available at my young age)

My family, relatives and friends put me under lots of pressure to get married. Staying single is not a very common thing in our society.

To save myself, I had to put lots of excuses. Like before completion of my study and getting into a job I can't marry, This man is from that district, and will not be a good match for a girl from Dhaka, doesn't have hair, is too wealthy, has bad earnings, not enough tall, put a ring on my finger which looked like an engagement ring, change paths to go somewhere so that who were waiting on the road don't get to see me and many more.

If any of my friends brought any relation, I had to threaten them to stop this, or I have to break up my friendship.

But emotional pressure became very difficult for me to tolerate. Deep inside I am a human too. I gave my younger sister marriage before me. All relatives and known people made a very bad impression about it on my mom, like how could she do it with me and she passes those to me.

And some boys put good logic and emotional pressure on me that make me think maybe I could come up with something in the middle. Life will give me trouble whether I get married or not. So, to make my family happy, why don't I get married to someone, for something good? Like who needed to marry for something too. It could be financial, religious (When someone converted and don't get any girl) or any other help. Either way, no man will put effort to make me happy. So, let's help someone and tolerate a miserable marriage life for the family and society. I least from my marriage something good will be achieved.

And I wanted to be a mother too. That is the best gift I got from my marriage.

Though deep inside my heart, there is a word "UNLESS". That's why sometimes I believed in some men that they might love me. But with time they proved, no, they actually don't or never did.